?

"How counterfeit a coin they are who friends/Bear in their superscription (of the most/I would be understood); in prosperous days/They swarm, but in adverse withdraw their head/Not to be found, though sought."

dwelling on the past, or, two-ish weeks ago

I admit it. I have had trouble in Milledgeville. I have had trouble adjusting to the move. I have only moved one other time in my life (the first time, when I was under two years of age, I do not count that move since I do not remember it at all)--and that time resulted in my being diagnosed with depression. I admit that I have been depressed. Unfortunately, this has resulted in a hindering of my making good impressions on some people and meeting others in general. I have not been myself. Yes, depression is a *part* of me. However, depression is similar to abnormal blood pressure in that it must be medicated, but medication can only help so much sometimes. I wish I could control the chemicals in my brain... which, unlike blood pressure, can effect emotions/mood/rationality... but I can only help them so much. Sometimes, change hinders my ability to control the imbalances in my brain, to think rationally about things, and I end up doing stupid/horrible/awkward/*insert negative adjective here* things. I wish this were not so; this lack of control has a horrible effect on my self-esteem and such. The only good thing about my dealing with the lack of control is that I am able to recognize when I have had it--a lack of control.

The good news, believe it or not that there is actually good news, is that I am becoming more comfortable here... despite some surly neighbor... and (again, believe it or not) there are people here who like me for who I am--"craziness" and all. I feel fortunate that they have seen a positive side of me (who knew?)--a funny, sometimes over-talkative, sometimes shy, intelligent, kind, sensitive, and sometimes quirky woman. For those who have not or can not see these positive sides to me... Well, I suppose it is his/her loss.

Hm.

I think I know of a Lord Byron.

things are gonna happen naturally

I've never had this much trouble figuring people out... I have decided to quit trying. It's not a bad thing; in fact, my mind has never felt more at ease than it does at this moment. I'm going to live up to what I have been saying: that I will simply go with the flow. If someone doesn't like who I talk to, who I decide to spend time on, well, then that's simply too bad. I'm tired feeling as though I am the flag on a rope used in a tug-of-war.

That said, I hope that it won't always rain in this town. Though if it were to do so, I will be able to handle it. Like I said earlier tonight, I spent one of the rainiest five weeks in London (Bath flooded, ah, I slay myself...). People deserve to have the chance to prove themselves; yes, this is something that matters to most people. It should. If it does not matter, then one would not have many acquaintances and, more importantly, friends. For me, ascertaining who one is, conveying one's perceptions and opinions... these things are a defense. A defense is not a bad thing. It is necessary to let people know these things because then people can make a case for you.

I don't regret the way I handle things, but I am sorry if I hurt someone in handling things. It is not ever my intention to intentionally hurt someone.
---------
In other, lighter news, I am thoroughly enjoying my Romanticism class. "Mont Blanc" by Shelley is a poem I had the pleasure of reading again. It can be found here:
http://www.mtholyoke.edu/courses/rschwart/hist256/alps/mont_blanc.htm

It pretty much speaks for itself... I just wish I could see this place for myself.

I am thinking of doing my grad presentation on Shelley and the perception of religion at his time, his views on it, and maybe throw in some philosophic arguments of the time.

Pride and Prejudice

Meh, I just titled this entry that because the movie (Keira Knightly one) is on television. It's mediocre. Book, of course, is better... although I think Jane Austen can be very dry at times.

Saturday night was a blur. It started out fun, but, unfortunately, Golden Grain prevents me from remembering... I must stop doing this to myself. It just isn't healthy, and my memory has suffered enough. Hopefully, I have not done something too stupid... yet. Although, I did do something stupid--Apparently, I fell at one point during the night, and I have some nasty bruising on my hip and left arm. I blame my shoes.

I miss my friends. I miss Emily (and I *guess* Zack, haha, j/k! I do miss him, too). What's worse, I miss Panda and she's still living in the States and not very far away! If this week keeps going the way it is, perhaps I will call her to see if I may come visit her this weekend. (Panda, if you're reading this, give me an awkward phone call! hahaha.)

I really hope things don't turn out to be needlessly complicated.

I also hope that my neighbors downstairs don't bang on my door again--It scared the hell out of Priti and me.

I am bored with homework.
That is all.

Hail to the Internet...

Today is a glorious day. Priti (my roommate) and I went to the temple of the Internet god, set up an account, and I have plugged in the several wires (that are now tangled gloriously behind and below my desk) to the modem, router, and computer. Ahhh, now I can be connected with the world once again. It was very strange to go almost a complete month without the wonderous ways of the Internet.

Yesterday after classes and dinner and such, I took Priti to Kroger. Wow. She makes shopping really difficult... it's difficult to answer her questions about, uh, shopping? Capitalism? For example, "What is the difference in the Kroger brand besides the lower price?" To which I replied, "Usually, the Kroger brand is of lower quality or taste different than other brands... it is what is called a 'generic' brand, like Wal-Mart's brand is called 'Great Value'. While the products are probably safe and fine to use, they may not be as high calibur as other brands like Del-Monte or Green Giant." (I didn't sound *that* intelligent, but I think she understood me). Another question: "So... these beans in the can, they are cooked, yes? Or are they raw?" "Yes, but you still have to heat them up on the stove... Technically, you could eat them out of the can, but I would not recommend that."

Random: it's lovely that there's a farmer's market every Tuesday here from 4-7... but I can't go since I have class at those times. Lame.

The second day of classes was... pretty much like any other second day of classes? I don't feel like a graduate student really. Maybe it is because I have only one class that has all grad students (Methods of Research... um, yay for MLA and bibliographies and the history of books?) My other two classes (yes, I am taking nine hours instead of the suggested six) are Milton and English Romanticism. I'm much more excited about those two.

Other than my roommate, I have only met two other people. Hopefully, the girl I met today will give me a call Thursday and we can go check out the bars together. I have yet to "go out" here and would rather not do so alone!

In other news, there is a cute guy in two of my classes... but he gives off this aura of "I'm really smart and cool and probably won't talk to you unless you give me a good reason... or if I have to work with you on a project." That's probably in my head though...

This weekend, I will either:
a) stay in M-ville
b) go to Atlanta for a couple of nights
c) hope that someone comes to visit me
d) go to Columbia to see Panda
e) go to Statesboro

The amount of money I have spent this month hurts my head... and my wallet. Sigh, and I wanted so to drive on I-20 to frolic around and inside a pretty mall. On the up-side... at least I have the Internet to find the closest, prettiest mall! Woop!

hoping for more than moving

I can be happier... could be.
(it's not the pills talkin)

I hope I don't stand in my way.

since high school

As I was spying/being-a-creeper on (gasp) Facebook, I noticed some comments being shot back and forth between two people I used to know... Well, one I used to know and the other not-so-much... so anywho, as I was doing this, I became offended and annoyed by them; one in particular annoyed me. Why so much hate for Georgia? No, not the Bulldogs, the state. In general, everyone I know hates living in this area of the country (how do you like that sentence? Ha!) Why? There are probably endless reasons, but I'm sure people in other states aren't necessarily happy in the place they live in...

Even if Georgia is eff'd up, at least it gives great material.

^this makes sense to me. I will leave the entry this way.

Three thirty in the morning... if I just wait thirty minutes the puppy will probably awake.
Giving away a puppy is going to be sad.
So will be moving away... (but at least I'll still be in Georgia. I love to hate her.)

P.S. Writing this entry makes me realize how little I've really changed since high school.

I'm a lame

Once, somebody said I would be "hot" if I weren't so "emo." (Well, it was years ago when I was thinner.)

It's strange the things that stick in one's brain... of so many more important things, why does crap like that end up sticking in one's brain?

Finally. I'm moving. Sure, it's not out of Georgia... and it won't be the oh-so glamorous Atlanta or Athens (excuse me while I roll my eyes)... but it isn't *here*. At least it is a new place that I can soon tire of just as I have with this old town.

Oh, but I must remind myself to not wait nine long years to get the hell out of said future place...

a year, huh?

I forgot I had this thing. Here's a note in progress in regard to a strange relationship...

I have been feeling that I should be keeping myself at more of a distance from you--and it isn't your fault. I want you to care like I care, and I am unsure of the way that I--that we-- act toward one another. I feel the way I act toward you is childish, insecure, and strange. It is a very strange, uncomfortable feeling to feel that caring is somehow out of place (no matter that I know it isn't). I worry too much; when you say you'll be back, I never know how much I should trust that you will -- you can't control this feeling in me, and it is not your fault. It is just a part of who you are. I can't expect you (or myself) to change. I want too much to happen, and I keep setting myself up for disappointment waiting for you to make it happen.

The thing, the main point, is that you probably would not even understand this whole stupid thing.
----
and now, more randomness!
---

I think (sometimes)
I'll find your
car (maybe in the news-
paper) in a ditch
maybe crammed
inside another (in
my mind)
a note appears
so sharp and ends
a rest
and a question mark
above
-----
Practice
makes your wallet
empty
and your retinas
burn and
then you expect
me with
some sort of
fire hose water
and tissues with
magazines
Really
what I want
is your mouth to
be silent
(resting on mine)
-----