death is random but expected

Yesterday, there was a death in my family. She was my grandmother's sister. Her funeral is tomorrow; Tomorrow promises to be a long day.

I feel a sense of regret. I am not able to feel this loss as I think I should. My family is quite small, but there are certain relatives about whom I know very little. All I know about my great aunt is her name, really. I don't know anything significant about her life, only her death. Cancer. Broken hip, too frail and weak to perform surgery. Eight in the morning, gone.

If I believed in anything or anyone in particular, as far as a higher power, I would ask it/her/him to take care of my great aunt, wherever she might be now.

You can read several quotes about dying and death. None of them are particularly fitting nor eloquent when death actually happens. However, mortality becomes more real when death occurs so near; even for just a day, you want deeply to live.

Happy New Year and should last post be forgot

Maybe it's because I got so caught up in the Christmas spirit and holidays that I forgot to continue my last post. Honestly, I did not forget. Therefore, maybe it's some sort of idea of mine that I wrote off as just some trumpery. Either way, I am sick of complaining about anything in general and have been for the past couple of weeks.

Instead of complaining, I have been falling into old mind habits to which I have been so restive. It is disappointing, but I am hoping they will fall to the back of my mind and I will be able to fill my mind with more worthy thoughts, feelings, and emotions.

I think the days distancing the holidays from me are a trigger of these mind habits. Starting classes again should be another sort of trigger, an encouraging one. I have been out of school for three months. I have not had a break from school since high school, and although I feel discontinuing my classes was necessary for my mental and emotional health, I am struggling to feel not as though I have wasted my three months somehow. What else could I have done? The only sort of practice I have had is reading on my own time and writing for my own pleasure. I was hoping to read and write for some sort of monetary or academic purpose. What have I done with my time? I have sold wine and cigars. I have tried to be helpful to my family with house cleaning and such other chores.

The best thing that I have come to depend on is something that is scary, unsure, and something that I'm afraid will be short-lived... again.

Please forgive this pity party. My holiday spirit has left me and I will hopefully regain a more cheerful, hopeful, and less turbid spirit.