dwindling down

I feel that blogs like these are not supposed to be so depressing... so emo... so stupid... whatever word you might prefer. The dumb thing is that I feel like I can't really say much to anyone anymore for one reason or another.

I wish I could go back and change so many things... I wish I were better. I need a change in almost every part of my life and myself. I'm tired of failing...

I just always wanted to be normal.

It feels every part of me is... wow, I really can't even explain this.

All I know is that if I don't change, if I don't get out of this place, then I will lose everything... but maybe that's the way I'm supposed to be and how my life is supposed to go. I'm so very confused...

I can't begin to explain how I feel, so I have even failed with words. They should really make pills for this... or, rather, better pills.

Since my last post is quite lame...

Hopefully, this picture is somewhat clear... I received a postcard with this on it in my poetry class. It is a Marc Chagall entitled "To Russia, Asses and Others", which is also the title of the poem.


Off in the darkness
there seems to be
a gnarled tree and
a man dreaming
of how things
used to be

Her animals and children
rely on the red
dominance of a horned
monster for sustanance,
so they must suck
from the monster

And she, with pin point holes cut into her body,
holds an idle, empty pale and tosses
her head in the dark air towards
smoky crimson and seems to see
her man in the darkness, and wonders
where and why he is lost and gone
and if he'll ever be
that man he used to be.

just want to feel...

I'm lame. It's late. I'd come up with an entry more clever, involved and intriguing, but I'm tired, and time is wearing my skin thin... I wish things were simpler. Well, no, that's a lie. I'd get bored. I'm just so exhausted... too many questions, obligations, confusion. What grad school? What guy? What sex? When to work? When to play? When should I keep quiet? Can I figure it out by myself? Is it fair? Fair to me? When to be selfish? When to be single? Too immature? Too independent? Should I lose weight? Should I wear that t-shirt? When is a good and decent bed time? How many hours should I put this work off?

I could go on, and on, and on... but instead, I really just feel like falling back into my old, shitty self. Throw myself into a street. Tie a concrete block to my right foot and hand (strongest side) and fall into a river, an ocean, a rain puddle. Not very creative ways... I'd prefer the latter though... killing oneself is selfish enough, so I wouldn't want to ruin anyone's car. Ugh, I hate when I get like that... It's really annoying and bothersome and no one likes that. The bright side is that I wouldn't truly kill myself, I don't want to. I just think about it, but I instead drift off to sleep, exhausted of thoughts of death.

death is random but expected

Yesterday, there was a death in my family. She was my grandmother's sister. Her funeral is tomorrow; Tomorrow promises to be a long day.

I feel a sense of regret. I am not able to feel this loss as I think I should. My family is quite small, but there are certain relatives about whom I know very little. All I know about my great aunt is her name, really. I don't know anything significant about her life, only her death. Cancer. Broken hip, too frail and weak to perform surgery. Eight in the morning, gone.

If I believed in anything or anyone in particular, as far as a higher power, I would ask it/her/him to take care of my great aunt, wherever she might be now.

You can read several quotes about dying and death. None of them are particularly fitting nor eloquent when death actually happens. However, mortality becomes more real when death occurs so near; even for just a day, you want deeply to live.

Happy New Year and should last post be forgot

Maybe it's because I got so caught up in the Christmas spirit and holidays that I forgot to continue my last post. Honestly, I did not forget. Therefore, maybe it's some sort of idea of mine that I wrote off as just some trumpery. Either way, I am sick of complaining about anything in general and have been for the past couple of weeks.

Instead of complaining, I have been falling into old mind habits to which I have been so restive. It is disappointing, but I am hoping they will fall to the back of my mind and I will be able to fill my mind with more worthy thoughts, feelings, and emotions.

I think the days distancing the holidays from me are a trigger of these mind habits. Starting classes again should be another sort of trigger, an encouraging one. I have been out of school for three months. I have not had a break from school since high school, and although I feel discontinuing my classes was necessary for my mental and emotional health, I am struggling to feel not as though I have wasted my three months somehow. What else could I have done? The only sort of practice I have had is reading on my own time and writing for my own pleasure. I was hoping to read and write for some sort of monetary or academic purpose. What have I done with my time? I have sold wine and cigars. I have tried to be helpful to my family with house cleaning and such other chores.

The best thing that I have come to depend on is something that is scary, unsure, and something that I'm afraid will be short-lived... again.

Please forgive this pity party. My holiday spirit has left me and I will hopefully regain a more cheerful, hopeful, and less turbid spirit.