Maybe it's because I got so caught up in the Christmas spirit and holidays that I forgot to continue my last post. Honestly, I did not forget. Therefore, maybe it's some sort of idea of mine that I wrote off as just some trumpery. Either way, I am sick of complaining about anything in general and have been for the past couple of weeks.
Instead of complaining, I have been falling into old mind habits to which I have been so restive. It is disappointing, but I am hoping they will fall to the back of my mind and I will be able to fill my mind with more worthy thoughts, feelings, and emotions.
I think the days distancing the holidays from me are a trigger of these mind habits. Starting classes again should be another sort of trigger, an encouraging one. I have been out of school for three months. I have not had a break from school since high school, and although I feel discontinuing my classes was necessary for my mental and emotional health, I am struggling to feel not as though I have wasted my three months somehow. What else could I have done? The only sort of practice I have had is reading on my own time and writing for my own pleasure. I was hoping to read and write for some sort of monetary or academic purpose. What have I done with my time? I have sold wine and cigars. I have tried to be helpful to my family with house cleaning and such other chores.
The best thing that I have come to depend on is something that is scary, unsure, and something that I'm afraid will be short-lived... again.
Please forgive this pity party. My holiday spirit has left me and I will hopefully regain a more cheerful, hopeful, and less turbid spirit.
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