just want to feel...

I'm lame. It's late. I'd come up with an entry more clever, involved and intriguing, but I'm tired, and time is wearing my skin thin... I wish things were simpler. Well, no, that's a lie. I'd get bored. I'm just so exhausted... too many questions, obligations, confusion. What grad school? What guy? What sex? When to work? When to play? When should I keep quiet? Can I figure it out by myself? Is it fair? Fair to me? When to be selfish? When to be single? Too immature? Too independent? Should I lose weight? Should I wear that t-shirt? When is a good and decent bed time? How many hours should I put this work off?

I could go on, and on, and on... but instead, I really just feel like falling back into my old, shitty self. Throw myself into a street. Tie a concrete block to my right foot and hand (strongest side) and fall into a river, an ocean, a rain puddle. Not very creative ways... I'd prefer the latter though... killing oneself is selfish enough, so I wouldn't want to ruin anyone's car. Ugh, I hate when I get like that... It's really annoying and bothersome and no one likes that. The bright side is that I wouldn't truly kill myself, I don't want to. I just think about it, but I instead drift off to sleep, exhausted of thoughts of death.