Could any more people be getting married?

(No offense to my favorite people who are getting married). I told my friend Feldser last night that I felt like I was either a) still 18 or b) an old maid. I feel like I'm behind everyone right now. I'm still in school (yeah, it's grad school, but I know very few friends my age who are still in school...), I'm not engaged, I'm not even dating anybody, etc... Even though I feel this way, I'm not even sure if I'll ever get married. I don't mean this in a "Oh, no one will ever want to marry me"-Eeyore way, I mean it earnestly as in "I don't know if I'll feel like getting married." So if anyone wanted to marry me, or date me right now, they'd have to impress the hell out of me, ha.

On an even more boring note, I must be off to work on: a monologue and character analysis from Much Ado About Nothing (I wish we could have done this from Othello instead, or MacBeth; Much Ado About Nothing is boring... unless you watch Keanu Reeves as Don John...); a presentation about English standardization for History of the English Language.... Hm, doesn't sound like too much when I list it out that way.

Happy New Year

Yeah, you got it. It's the middle of June. It's not New Year's at all. However, I feel it necessary to start over again like it's a new year. Screw what happened last fall... That wasn't me. Some of the beginning of this year? Not me. I'm going to try to be me now... Not weirdo/depresso me. I want to be another me... Me from two or three years ago mixed with me now. Let's try out this Milledgeville thing again. It can't be that bad, can it? It has the ability to be as bad as I make it to be.

We take faith for granted

Somewhere inside, we keep memories of old friends and take faith that they are doing okay despite the fact we haven't spoken to them in years. We take this for granted.

The year 2020 is "only" ten years away. But it's longer than that. The year 2020 can become the year 2050 or 2060. Then you will regret never having seen a certain friend as you regret it now. The year doesn't matter. What matters is that this certain person who had such an immense effect on your life--whether he or she knew or knows it--will more than likely never cross your path again.

Unless, perhaps, you somehow get over your hurt and find strength to seek out him or her. But is it worth it? Would it be worth it? Perhaps, in a couple of months, it will be...

?

"How counterfeit a coin they are who friends/Bear in their superscription (of the most/I would be understood); in prosperous days/They swarm, but in adverse withdraw their head/Not to be found, though sought."

dwelling on the past, or, two-ish weeks ago

I admit it. I have had trouble in Milledgeville. I have had trouble adjusting to the move. I have only moved one other time in my life (the first time, when I was under two years of age, I do not count that move since I do not remember it at all)--and that time resulted in my being diagnosed with depression. I admit that I have been depressed. Unfortunately, this has resulted in a hindering of my making good impressions on some people and meeting others in general. I have not been myself. Yes, depression is a *part* of me. However, depression is similar to abnormal blood pressure in that it must be medicated, but medication can only help so much sometimes. I wish I could control the chemicals in my brain... which, unlike blood pressure, can effect emotions/mood/rationality... but I can only help them so much. Sometimes, change hinders my ability to control the imbalances in my brain, to think rationally about things, and I end up doing stupid/horrible/awkward/*insert negative adjective here* things. I wish this were not so; this lack of control has a horrible effect on my self-esteem and such. The only good thing about my dealing with the lack of control is that I am able to recognize when I have had it--a lack of control.

The good news, believe it or not that there is actually good news, is that I am becoming more comfortable here... despite some surly neighbor... and (again, believe it or not) there are people here who like me for who I am--"craziness" and all. I feel fortunate that they have seen a positive side of me (who knew?)--a funny, sometimes over-talkative, sometimes shy, intelligent, kind, sensitive, and sometimes quirky woman. For those who have not or can not see these positive sides to me... Well, I suppose it is his/her loss.

Hm.

I think I know of a Lord Byron.

things are gonna happen naturally

I've never had this much trouble figuring people out... I have decided to quit trying. It's not a bad thing; in fact, my mind has never felt more at ease than it does at this moment. I'm going to live up to what I have been saying: that I will simply go with the flow. If someone doesn't like who I talk to, who I decide to spend time on, well, then that's simply too bad. I'm tired feeling as though I am the flag on a rope used in a tug-of-war.

That said, I hope that it won't always rain in this town. Though if it were to do so, I will be able to handle it. Like I said earlier tonight, I spent one of the rainiest five weeks in London (Bath flooded, ah, I slay myself...). People deserve to have the chance to prove themselves; yes, this is something that matters to most people. It should. If it does not matter, then one would not have many acquaintances and, more importantly, friends. For me, ascertaining who one is, conveying one's perceptions and opinions... these things are a defense. A defense is not a bad thing. It is necessary to let people know these things because then people can make a case for you.

I don't regret the way I handle things, but I am sorry if I hurt someone in handling things. It is not ever my intention to intentionally hurt someone.
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In other, lighter news, I am thoroughly enjoying my Romanticism class. "Mont Blanc" by Shelley is a poem I had the pleasure of reading again. It can be found here:
http://www.mtholyoke.edu/courses/rschwart/hist256/alps/mont_blanc.htm

It pretty much speaks for itself... I just wish I could see this place for myself.

I am thinking of doing my grad presentation on Shelley and the perception of religion at his time, his views on it, and maybe throw in some philosophic arguments of the time.